Kill Me

3 min read

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Tyrannotitan333's avatar
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Okay, I know I haven't updated in months, but gosh, they have been an awful few months. My family continue to disrespect me being Autistic by not only continuing to force this massive change of moving house when I am already in a really stressful time, but expect me to do so much else in the meantime, not to mention restricting the only thing I feel interested in doing (going on the Internet) not just to "make me do other things" (which is pointless because why do something when you don't enjoy it?), but to also punish me when I am unable to handle situations. Since it is natural for me to be unable to speak when I am so overwhelmed, people give me an even harder time for not speaking when I literally can't (it's painful, I don't know what other Autistic people feel when they can't speak but for me it feels physically painful), and I am always made to feel bad for my depressed mood and I always feel like everyone is making it seem like it is my own fault for my suffering. People just tell me to negotiate with them, but they don't get it. They really don't. Whenever I actually have found myself to be able to speak to family members, my concerns are always belittled, and people just tell me to stop overreacting to things because they really aren't too much. Oh, and while I have been trying to set in motion things that might be able to get me in a new home where I feel safe, my family and the "support" I have are trying to make it hard and overwhelming, like they are trying to scare me into staying with the status quo even though doing so has severely damaged my mental health. Oh, and everyone but especially my school youth worker is trying to tell me to prioritise school and make that my focus. Except, you know... isn't my wellbeing more important overall? What the fuck is wrong with everyone? I am constantly breaking down, and all I am told is to just keep moving on like some mindless drone. I've always hated ableism as soon as I learned about it, but gosh, I never realised how much people can be dicks when it affects you personally. And there are people who say that we Autistics are bad at empathy.

I'll be perfectly honest guys, I know my title may have implied it, but yes... suicidal thoughts have been on my mind a lot. Don't worry, it's highly unlikely I will act on them, but I just want you guys to know that I've really been struggling and I am getting sick and tired of my shitty life, and that these thoughts unfortunately are there. I'm just so fed up with everyone and everything, it feels like I've been completely abandoned, and the worst part is that most people seem to be incapable of understanding how I am feeling. The only people that I feel fully comfortable with are all people not in person (so mainly online contacts), and everyone in real life just makes me feel miserable. All I want is to get the hell out of here, but nobody is able to listen to me. I'm starting to wonder if I'm going to struggle communicating with even more than my family right now, I feel that terrible...
© 2015 - 2024 Tyrannotitan333
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Okay, your concerns are hard to understand for most people because their equivalent ideas aren't as prioritized, just as the concerns of other people are hard to understand for you because their equivalent ideas aren't as prioritized. Call it a bug in the human empathy system.

Others will never quite fully understand you, and you will never quite understand others. No matter if your brain comes with factory wiring or has a custom one, that is something everybody has to keep in mind, otherwise your frustration may become quite hindering. However, the next best thing is being able to relate with somebody else. Focusing on the convergences and not the divergences.

And, believe me, the "keep moving" is a very common coping mechanism; most adult humans are there. Do something you don't quite enjoy, so you are able to do things you enjoy and things you need. That doesn't mean it is a good thing, or something to embrace. It is just something that tends to happen, and most people expect it to be relatively numb to handle.


As, for your issue with your family, well, the way you present it feels a bit extreme and kinda unrelatable for most neurotypical people. It can be understood as you wanting your family to plan stuff in ways you aren't disturbed, so you aren't disturbed and focus on stuff you want to do. But, what is important to you may not be important to others, just like what is important to others may not be important to you. Just remember, most of that stuff isn't done out of spite, but rather out of lack of understanding..


And, "why do something when you don't enjoy it?"... Well, that isn't a very healthy mindset. The fast answer would be "because it is beneficial", that's why you don't go and eat just your favourite meal. "Because others I care about enjoy it" is also a good answer. But, being solely driven by self-satisfaction is not something that draws cooperation. Can't quite explain it, but, you don't feel compelled to give a hand or do things for people who self-admitely wouldn't do something similar for you. And, in any case, immediate benefit shouldn't be the driving force of everything, short-term is a bad term to focus on.


Finally, sorry if I just spouted nonsense; been here for 3 hours after I read something that clashed with every fiber of my being, but being angered by a phrase and ranting at somebody who doesn't deserve to be ranted at is just not right. You are a good man, and you don't deserve to feel as bad as you are feeling. And suicide? Would you give up on all the thing you enjoy and will enjoy? You still have plenty of stuff to enjoy, and I think memory storage works in a way that we get the focus on that one, so, don't let frustration get the better of you.